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Marriage Advice from a Marriage and Family Therapist’s wife

May 4, 2015
By B

Let’s be upfront and honest with ourselves. Marriage is hard. Doesn’t matter if you are the two most compatible people, under the most ideal environment, marriage is still difficult. There are many reasons for this, but mostly because men and women are different. Here is the best marriage advice, coming from the wife of a Marriage and Family Therapist.

1. Include God in your marriage.

I understand that not everybody believes in God, nor even in the same God. But I believe that whatever your religion, in order to have a successful marriage you must first include God.

As you each seek out God in your own lives, you will be drawn closer together as a couple. And reinforce those bonds even more by finding, confiding, and serving God together!

2. RELENT

Stop fighting. Just stop. There is no need to fight in a marriage. It is perfectly normal, and very healthy to disagree. You can disagree and still not fight.

Relenting is not giving up your dreams, desires, wants or opinions. It is choosing to let the other person have what they want.

Ask yourself these questions when you feel like you disagree with your spouse:

Is winning this disagreement more important than my spouse’s feelings? Let’s be honest, when your spouse is happy, you are more likely to be happy too.
Why jeopardize their feelings?
Why hurt them?
Why are the socks on the floor more important than your hubbies feelings, and your marriage? They aren’t. Learn to let some things go.
What are the long-term implications of this disagreement?
Is it an important issue?
Have you ever heard the phrase, pick your battles? It’s true. Can you let your spouse “have” this one?

May I share an example with you?

Sometimes my husband and I don’t agree on what is “important”. That doesn’t mean big picture stuff, but when we are in a moment, what is important to one might not be to the other.

Today at church (we are the junior nursery teachers – 18months to 2 1/2year old kids) we only had one kid on our class. We decided to let the girl go into the senior nursery so she had someone to play with. My husband felt it was very important to inform the mom that we put her in the older class, I agreed but not to the same level. We looked for a few minutes and couldn’t find where the mom was, so I just thought “oh well, the mom will figure it out.” But my husband felt it was very important to find the mom and tell her.

I had to relent, even though I didn’t think it was a big deal. I went into multiple classrooms (and looked silly poking my head in) but finally was able to inform the mom that we brought her daughter to the older class.

That doesn’t sound like a big deal, right? No, it wasn’t. But in the heat of the moment {and especially for a couple who both experience high levels of anxiety}, one’s feelings can get hurt quickly because we disagree. But if you train yourself to relent even in the silly moments, you won’t build up this unhealthy resentment that I see in some couples.

3. TALK ABOUT SEX

Intimacy plays a large roll in marriage. It is not what marriage is all about, but it is important. If you are not intimate with your spouse, it can begin to feel as though you are roommates. You might begin to ask yourself a variation of the question, “What does your spouse offer you that your co-worker doesn’t?”

Since intimacy is important, talking about it is even more important. Everyone has their own opinions and culture, I get that. But I believe you need to communicate with your spouse about your love life. Talk about sex before, during, and after. (Don’t take that literally, it doesn’t have to be right before, right after or every time during) Ask things like what do you like, what don’t you like? What can you do to make sex a more enjoyable experience for your spouse? If you put your spouse’s needs and desires above your own, the generosity will be received and eagerly reciprocated.

This might be awkward to start communicating about, especially if this hasn’t been a norm in your marriage. But it’s important. So, very very important.

Remember that sex changes throughout the lifetime of marriage. There will different phases you experience with your spouse. But all the while, through every phase, you need to talk about it.

4. YOUR “NEEDS PACKAGE” WILL NEVER BE COMPLETELY MET. . . BUT NEITHER WILL HIS.

Be okay with that. I don’t believe there are “soul mates” out there, you aren’t going to find someone who will be ‘practically perfect in every way‘. I do believe there are people who are better fitted for us; more compatible than others. You will not find a companion who will meet every one of your needs. It just doesn’t work out that way. Let me share a story to tell you what I mean.

My hubby is so great for me. I wish I could list all the ways he fits my personality so great. However, last Christmas we were having a discussion about what presents we wanted. I basically came out and said, I don’t know exactly what I want. I want you to pay attention to me and see what I need and get me a present that fits that. Listen to what I say and pick up on something that you think I might want/need. But it’s not like I’m hinting I want something specific, I just want you to know what I want. {okay, yes, that does sound silly. But that is the way I felt}

He thought for a second and said, “You know babe, I’m an awesome husband but that is not my strength. And you are just gonna have to be okay with that.”

Fair enough, right?

5. MAKE YOUR SPOUSE A PRIORITY

Put your husband {or wife} before your children, your job, your hobbies, your friends, your iPhone, or whatever else I missed on this list. I personally believe you need to put God before your spouse, but that is the only exception to having your spouse come first.

Make your spouse a priority. simple as that.

6. STOP COMPARING

Here is a simple lesson. If something is functioning for you, that doesn’t mean it will function for someone else. So stop comparing your relationship to your neighbor’s. People are really good at “pretending”. So if you go around thinking everyone else’s marriage is perfect, or at least better than yours then you begin to think there is something wrong with your marriage. Quickly, you will begin to not feel happy or satisfied. You will be “disenchanted” with your marriage. All of which, are not good.

The treatment: stop comparing your marriage to other’s. Focus on your marital strengths, and work as a team to strengthen your weaknesses.

One other thing I have to add in this category happens to be one piece of marriage advice I received when I got married. My best friend (who had been married for 10 years) said, doesn’t matter the circumstance – Do Not talk bad about your spouse to your family or close friends. Here is a snap shot of what happens. . . you tell your mom about a fight you and your hubby got into. Your mom remembers that. Her opinion of him changes. He becomes a little “less” than perfect. She holds a tiny grudge. But, you go home, make up with your spouse, and botta-bing-botta-boom, you feel better. But your mom still doesn’t. She never gets the closure that you did. So she continues to hold that grudge; building every time you tell her “bad” things about your hubby. So just don’t. Respect your hubby enough to deal with your issues together, without the ears of others.

7. ALLOW FOR ADJUSTMENTS IN MARRIAGE

People change over the course of a lifetime. You would hope that as you go through challenges, you change. Hopefully for the better. But not always, sometimes experiences make us cynical, hardened, sad. Whatever growth comes from life’s journey, allow your spouse to grow. You are there to be a companion, to experience this journey together. However, it’s not fair to expect that your spouse will stay exactly the same. Allow for adjustments in your finances, your intimacy, your spiritual growth, when reality and new responsibilities come, with extended family, and especially as we learn how to be parents.

Marriage requires adjustment, as do all relationships.

Developing a loving relationship where trust is found will help aid during these “changing” times. Set common goals, ask for forgiveness, be so very quick to forgive your spouse.

Sometimes marriages can get in trouble, or fall on “rocky ground” when they expect their spouse to remain the same; when they didn’t think their spouse would change during a particular life event. Allow for change and support your partner.

The foundation of this particular piece of marriage advice falls back on forgiveness. Adjustments and changes will occur, yes, and as we re-adjust to our new marriage throughout the course of life we must learn forgiveness.

8. HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE… BUT HAPPY HUBBY = LOTS OF LOVEY

Yes, it’s true. Happy Wife = happy life. But if your hubby doesn’t feel important, then there won’t be anyone to make the wife happy. Start by making your hubby feel important. Serve your husband, relent to your husband’s needs, cease “pinpricking”, and make him feel loved, really truly loved.

“A wife should treat her husband with mildness and affection. When your hubby is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument, or a murmur-if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness.” – Joseph Smith

Hubbies.. Make it your daily job to help take the load off your wife. Help her. Listen to her. LOVE her.
Wives… Make your hubby your first priority. Serve him. Make him feel special!

Marriage and Parenthood has the capacity to bring more happiness than anything else. You can find true, pure joy because of your marriage.

9. HAVE EMPATHY

When I was in the hospital with my daughter (my second), my husband stayed home from work to be with my 2 year old son. I was in the hospital for 5 days. He made the comment to me, “I didn’t realize what your life was like until I was here everyday.” We don’t truly know where our spouse is coming from because we don’t “walk in their shoes”. I am very close to my hubby and I tell him everything, completely everything, but that doesn’t mean he truly knows where I am coming from. And vice versa. I don’t know what he experiences everyday.

Not only do we misunderstand where our hubby comes from during the day.. but think about the years we were apart. Our culture, our history, our memories, our traditions, have made us into the unique great people we are. But that has also shaped our opinions and beliefs. So have empathy for where your spouse comes from in that aspect as well.

Remember that and strive to have endless empathy for your spouse.

10. LOVE DEEPLY

I have pondered a while about what to say for this category. There is so much I could say, yet so little needs to be said.

True, mature love comes over time. It is built upon much sacrifice, and deep respect. You must WORK TOWARDS and continually NURTURE deep, pure love.

11. COMMUNICATE {bonus!}

“Every couple, whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day — the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. And best of all, it’s a time when love and appreciation for one another can be reconfirmed. The end of another day is also the perfect setting to say, ‘Sweetheart, I am sorry about what happened today. Please forgive me’.”

Pillow-talk is when you talk on the level when you were engaged. Remember that time you were hopelessly, endlessly in love and wanted to stay up and talk all night? Go to bed with your spouse, and with the lights out, talk with your husband. What can you do better, what can you do to serve your spouse the next day, what did you do that offended your spouse, express those “mushy” feelings that are sometimes hard to express in the rush of life.

If you haven’t noticed, communicating is a part of every other step.

You must learn to communicate with your spouse.

That will mean something different for each one of our relationships. But communicate, please communicate. Most often, it is not who was right or wrong, it’s a matter of understanding each other.

Being married is wonderful, and what most people strive for. But once you are married, you realize it is very difficult. Use these tips to improve your marriage relationship.