How do you know if he is the one? I can very vividly remember what is referred to as “the dating game”; and so can my husband. He didn’t get married until he was 29, so he was in “the dating game” much longer than I was. Now that we are married, and especially since he is a Marriage and Family Therapist, the question comes up a lot: How do you choose the one?
Whatever your stage in life {even if you are already married, these tips can still help} I hope these tips will help you feel empowered, secure, and more confident when choosing the one for you.
I want to start by popping your bubble… just so we can be on the same page.
I don’t believe there are such things as soul mates. There isn’t someone out there that is perfect. He isn’t out there searching for you. Because he doesn’t exist.
I do however believe that there are people more compatible for you than others. Those are the people you need to be searching for in a companion. {now you’re thinking *duh, thank you captain obvious!)
What does it mean to be more compatible?
I believe that there are people out there who are better for us than others. I can tell you first hand that it is very possible to love more than one person. But that doesn’t mean everybody you love is the “more compatible” partner.
I think God gave humans the ability to love; to love so deeply that you could fall in love with almost anybody. What I mean by that is I’ve seen that the more you get to know somebody, the deeper you love them.
Sometimes that love is hard to find in people, it can be locked deep in a vault. Sometimes that love is played around with and not held serious or sacred.
Sometimes that love can fade.
But love does not have an end. It can grow, it can increase. You must nurture love.
So in your quest for finding that deep love we all yearn for, here are 8 Tips for helping you choose the one!
FIRST: The foundation of any good relationship must begin with YOU.
Are you even ready to be married? Do you know who you are? What is important to you? What are things that you simply can’t live without?
Want a few examples?
I’m talking about things like… you need to be able to communicate with your companion. But you can’t just expect that your spouse needs to know communication skills. YOU do too!
Want to avoid arguments? You need to make sure your spouse knows how to relent but you need to know how to relent as well.
SECOND: Make the decision
You need to first make the decision to get married. That’s silly, you’re thinking, of course I want to get married. Well.. I beg to differ with some people.
Some people keep waiting for what’s around the corner. They keep dating.
Stop. Make the decision to get married. Make the decision that you are going to choose your spouse. Then once you get married, you are going to choose them again and again and again and again. You never stop choosing your spouse. The instant you do resentment, betrayal, or “lost love” comes into the marriage.
Choose your spouse. Today. Tomorrow. And Forever.
THIRD: When possible, begin by eliminating potential difficulties
“The difficulties and hazards of marriage are greatly increased where backgrounds are different.” – President Kimball
I have to tread on light ground here, but I feel like marriage is strained the more differences that a couple has. Yes, there is that saying that goes something like “opposites attract”. Okay, you got me there. But, the more different you are, the more challenges you will face.
Differences include: culture, generational gaps, family traditions, financial outlooks, race, religion, where you grew up, etc.
How do these differences even make a difference? 🙂
The biggest place that I’ve seen is when it comes to parenting. It is very hard to not be on the same page as your spouse when it comes to parenting styles. If you are ever in that situation, it’s not a fun boat to be in. The more differences you have, the more challenging parenting will be. (as other things, but this is a major one).
Already married and seeing these “differences”? Read more about the Grapefruit Analogy and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage.
FOURTH: Beauty runs much deeper than skin-deep
This goes back to my first thought that you need to start from within. First, be confident with your looks. Second, look deeper than outer appearance. I really do feel that you can develop love and physical attraction towards a person the more you get to know them. So give everyone a shot.
Already married? Regain confidence in yourself first. Then remember why you were first attracted to your spouse. “That’s changed” you say? Then find something else.
It is your job to nurture your marriage. It is your responsibility. When you feel attracted to your spouse, you are more likely to serve. And service brings the blessing of deeper love.
FIFTH: Ask questions
Oh how I can’t stress this enough. And, this is the fun part. On your first date.. (or whenever) ask questions. lots and lots and lots of questions. This is a fantastic time to “weed” out potential people who aren’t more compatible.
Asking questions makes them feel special, which will in turn guarantee you’ll have a chance for a second date.
Ask questions at the beginning. This will help you see any potential red flags, or “differences” that may come along that could strain a relationship. By asking the questions at the beginning you haven’t developed that deep emotional relationship – yes, you might have a physical attraction, but a lasting marriage runs deeper than physical attraction.
What sort of “weeding” questions should you ask? Well it depends on what is important to you. Here are a few off the top of my head. The more direct and bold, the better. Just be up front and honest, and hopefully they will be that way with you.
– What are you like financially? Are you frugal, or carefree in your spending?
– Do you follow a budget?
– How much debt do you have?
– Have you ever viewed pornography?
– What do your room mates do that bug you the most?
– What do you foresee your future looking like. Not dreaming, but realistically.
– Do you like living by family?
– Do you find it important to be surrounded by family?
– How many children do you think you want?
– What frustrates you the most?
– What are your religious beliefs?
– Tell me about the traditions in your family? How do they conflict with my family traditions?
Oh and the list goes on and on, but you get the point. Ask them questions. Lots of questions. And who cares if you seem “nosey”? You are fighting for your future, for your kids, for your happiness. You need to take the time to figure out if the person you are dating is compatible for you. And I recommend doing this as early as you can, because the more you get emotionally tied, the harder it is to break the relationship if it’s “not right”.
SIXTH: Time
There are some aspects of marriage that can’t necessarily be asked. Logic takes a back seat to things like being comfortable with someone. Connecting with them. Being able to sit quietly, or simple observation.
I’ve heard the saying that you should spend at least one year with a person before getting married so you can see them in every season. I think that’s a little silly. Can’t you decide much sooner than that if a person isn’t right for you? Yes, yes you can.
Be confident in your decision-making skills. If you start to see red flags… well, they are red flags for a reason.
Quality time is what I’m talking about. Not quantity.
SEVENTH: Making the decision at the appropriate time
Marriage is the single most important decision you will make in your life. There I said it. Choosing the one is a big deal.
Do you feel that you honestly know the person’s weaknesses and strengths? Are you comfortable with those?
The most important thing you can do is marry the right person, at the right time, in the right place.
EIGHTH: Counsel with the Lord.
The last, but I will very confidently say, the most important tip. Counsel with the Lord. That will mean something a little different to each person. But I can tell you that no matter who you are, no matter where you are in the world, no matter what you have done in the past, the Lord loves you. He cares so deeply about you. He wants to be involved in your life. He will help if you let Him.
Counsel with Him, and have that faith that He cares and will help you make the right choice.
Already married? Continue to counsel with the Lord about your spouse.
Bottom line? Whether male or female, this is your responsibility to find the right person. To marry them at the right time. And to marry them in the right place. This is your opportunity to fight for your future. Your future kids. Your future lifestyle. Your future happiness.
Once you are married it is your job to nurture your marriage. It is your responsibility. Marriage is an absolutely wonderful, beautiful, sacred thing. Cherish your marriage. Continue to strive to improve, see these 10 awesome tips for marriage advice, and for those “rough-patches” read more here for help problem solving in your marriage!
